It's 11:00PM. I have plans early tomorrow morning and I should be going to bed but I know I'll just toss and turn because there's too much on my mind and I'm just losing grip.
Took some time this evening to visit with my parents. I hate to say it, but it's becoming so hard to do. My mom...she's gone. Mentally, she's not there, and I never thought I'd have to deal with that. The cancer, yes it was killing her, I never thought it would kill her mind before her body.
They'd asked me to do their taxes so I was gathering up the typical information I would need and I asked for her social security number. Something she could normally rattle off the top of her head, along with my dad's. She starts off, and then loses it. She ends up giving me an 11-digit number, some of which was repeating so I asked if she didn't mean without the repetition? She starts flipping out on me and screaming at me that no, I was wrong. Takes the pen and paper to write it down herself. When she hands it back, she has 17 numbers written down...5/6 of the last digits were 4's repeating.
I gave up and asked my dad just to get her card down from the safe. Turns out, it's not in there. Wasn't in her wallet either, along with all of her other important cards. Luckily he found one with everybody's written down...but yeah. I was frustrated. I'm angry at myself for getting frustrated, this is the last chance I'll have to spend with her. But when she's constantly yelling at my dad, who is doing everything he can to help her...it's hard.
Vivienne knows what's going on. But the kids...they don't have a grip on the reality of it. They come over, they hop on their games and disappear to another world.
I'm worried about my dad. He's been dependent on my mom so long, and now the exact opposite has happened. They've been married 34 years this year. I'm worried how he will be without her around. I have this dream that we will all move to Florida and he can just stay with us, but I don't know how soon that will become a reality.
I don't know if my day-to-day is a dream or reality anymore. I love Jeff with everything. I want nothing more than to get married and start a family. But as time goes by, nothing happens. And now he's completely avoiding the topics. His reasoning for not getting married: "We're broke, I don't want to do it half-assed." His reasoning for not having a baby: "We're broke, I don't want to lose sleep."
Money = not an issue. Within three weeks, I'll have my tax return that will pay off every debt we have, minus the new car. Wedding? I'd prefer to get married around the time we met (October) so that's going to be some time away...time to save up money. And I don't know what he plans for a wedding...some huge big deal with everyone we know present? I finally snapped on him and maybe opened his eyes. My mom will be dead any day now. God forbid, I don't know how much longer my dad will be around after that. I don't get along with my aunts and uncles and cousins. I have a brother and two friends that I would invite to a wedding...tops. And the reality is, his family probably won't come up from Florida and Alabama. So he'd have one sister here, maybe his cousin (they're not currently on speaking terms). And then his friends. Soooo, not really that big of a hoopla!
Would I love to have a nice wedding with the dress and leaves lining the altar and handmade centerpieces and a cute Halloween-theme reception? Absolutely! It would be amazing. But then I think of how empty my side would be, while everyone's congratulating him, I'd be sitting there alone. Supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life...I don't see that balancing well.
As for a baby...he says about losing sleep. It's ok if he stays up all night, gets about 2-3 hours of sleep because he's playing a video game. But God forbid I want to have another child before I turn 30 and the risks start going up for down syndrome. Or, before the girls get too much older that they'll be so far apart in age. My "baby" is turning 4 next week...
And of course I can't talk about any of this with him because he doesn't want to hear the topics, doesn't want to hear my opinions. "It's becoming an every day thing" he says...well, maybe if you would give me a real answer instead of brushing it aside with a bullshit excuse, I'd accept it!
Tonight he went to bed without saying goodnight. Most of the time he doesn't come to bed at all, just passes out on the couch.
I just feel so empty right now, and the only person I want to turn to is being the most distant he can be. He's lost his parents, his adopted ones that raised him. He should know the pain and be able to comfort me more...I just feel alone.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Battle...Lost
It's official...and I can't post anything on facebook because she wants to keep it quiet while she passes. But my mom has lost the fight with cancer.
They stopped her chemotherapy, and she started hospice last Thursday. The doctor said it could be two days, two weeks, two months. But it won't be long. At this point she's considered stage 5 cancer, which is irreversible.
They told my brother, who had no emotional reaction whatsoever. Maybe he's still in denial...who knows? They didn't want to tell me because they knew how hard I would take it. I've always been mommy's girl. All this as I was dropping off the girls to head in to work.
Left work after two hours and came home. Dad tried explaining to Viv that grandma would soon be going to heaven to be with Audrey. He also asked me about the odds of us being able to move back in to the house. He won't be able to keep it going, keep it clean. Plus it's 3-bedroom, which he won't need if it's just him.
I said that we'd just renewed our lease for another year. We requested a transfer into a 3-bedroom. If he would choose to sell the house, he could come stay with us if we can get transferred. But then I also said about our dream of moving to Florida next year...and that he would be able to come with. Realistically next year is the soonest that move could occur; our credit is going to get fixed up this year with income tax returns so that hopefully next year it's good enough to get approved for a mortgage.
It's all just so much. I called Alicia on the way to work...she cried on the phone with me. Chrissy helped, she always seems to know the right things to say. But she'll be moving to KY soon.
Jeff...I don't know if it struck a note with him because he wasn't able to be around when his parents passed...but he was distant. When I need him the most, him not comforting me hurts.
My mom doesn't want people to know, doesn't want everyone stopping by and reminiscing and "praying" because at this rate...prayers can't help her anymore. She wants to go peacefully. I can't even picture my life without having my mom in it, who to call when things get rough, when I have a question, when Viv does something spectacular in school and I want to brag to someone who will be just as proud as me.
She won't even get to see Schylar on her first day of school...Vivi's first softball game (following in her grandma's footsteps) which will be this spring. She wasn't supposed to go this soon...she's too young.
They stopped her chemotherapy, and she started hospice last Thursday. The doctor said it could be two days, two weeks, two months. But it won't be long. At this point she's considered stage 5 cancer, which is irreversible.
They told my brother, who had no emotional reaction whatsoever. Maybe he's still in denial...who knows? They didn't want to tell me because they knew how hard I would take it. I've always been mommy's girl. All this as I was dropping off the girls to head in to work.
Left work after two hours and came home. Dad tried explaining to Viv that grandma would soon be going to heaven to be with Audrey. He also asked me about the odds of us being able to move back in to the house. He won't be able to keep it going, keep it clean. Plus it's 3-bedroom, which he won't need if it's just him.
I said that we'd just renewed our lease for another year. We requested a transfer into a 3-bedroom. If he would choose to sell the house, he could come stay with us if we can get transferred. But then I also said about our dream of moving to Florida next year...and that he would be able to come with. Realistically next year is the soonest that move could occur; our credit is going to get fixed up this year with income tax returns so that hopefully next year it's good enough to get approved for a mortgage.
It's all just so much. I called Alicia on the way to work...she cried on the phone with me. Chrissy helped, she always seems to know the right things to say. But she'll be moving to KY soon.
Jeff...I don't know if it struck a note with him because he wasn't able to be around when his parents passed...but he was distant. When I need him the most, him not comforting me hurts.
My mom doesn't want people to know, doesn't want everyone stopping by and reminiscing and "praying" because at this rate...prayers can't help her anymore. She wants to go peacefully. I can't even picture my life without having my mom in it, who to call when things get rough, when I have a question, when Viv does something spectacular in school and I want to brag to someone who will be just as proud as me.
She won't even get to see Schylar on her first day of school...Vivi's first softball game (following in her grandma's footsteps) which will be this spring. She wasn't supposed to go this soon...she's too young.
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